This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
