its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
