Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
