Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
