shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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