there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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