matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
