started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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