If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
