I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Say something about gay babies.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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