how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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