Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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