PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
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