Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Randomize
