when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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