He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
