so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
COCAINE IS GR8
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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