K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
