He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
