I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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