we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
