why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
