You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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