there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
