he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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