So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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