You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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