Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
