Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Sorry my hands just texted you
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
