You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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