Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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