I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
