Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
