You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
