It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
