I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
