seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
