I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
