Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
