Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
