Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Randomize
