I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
