I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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