i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
zippers are such a cool invention
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
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