thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
