How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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