Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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