Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
He told me they were just razor bumps!
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
