Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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