She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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