I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize