I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
My vagina is very pro this idea
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
