Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
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