Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
