We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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