nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
