I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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