So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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