I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize