Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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