I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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